Elimidate: Middle Earth
by Scarlett Moonchild
Summary: Rosie is tired of being treated like a common alewench. She goes on Elimidate to find the perfect guy. Funny! :) (COMPLETE)
1. Chapter One: It Comes In Pints?

VERY short Author's Note: This is my first fic, so be nice! I don't own any part of either Elimidate or Lord of the Rings. Also, where the text is italicized, that's the part where the camera takes the people off by themselves and they comment on how the date is going. Please R/R! J

Elimidate: Middle Earth – Episode One

Chapter 1: Round 1 – "It Comes in Pints?"

Voiceover: 1-2-3-4…(music starts)…Elimidate! Four hobbit guys…one hobbit girl…who will make the cut and move on to fuzzy-footed happiness?? Find out tonight on Elimidate!

A pretty hobbit girl with curly blonde hair and a great smile walks toward the camera. "What the-?" She looks around. "Who said that?" She shrugs and keeps going. "Hi, my name is Rosie Cotton," she says to the camera. "I work as an alewench at a local bar here in the Shire. Basically, I wanted to go on Elimidate because I'm tired of taking crap off of men." She is shown working in the bar and getting pinched on the butt by drunken hobbit men. "It's time for ME to call the shots!"

A young hobbit is shown walking toward the camera, with dark curly hair and big blue eyes. "Hi, I'm Frodo Baggins, and I…Check out this great ring I've got!" Suddenly an entranced look comes over his face and he stops dead still next to Rosie, staring at the ring.

"Hi, I'm Rosie," she says, looking at him strangely.

Frodo doesn't respond.

"Um, welcome to our date…"

Still no response.

Rosie to camera: I couldn't figure out what was wrong with Frodo. It was like, he was ignoring me and that's not a good way to start out.

"Oh boy." Rosie rolls her eyes, she spots Sam walking up. "Maybe this one will actually talk to me."

Sam doesn't look up at the camera; he blushes and shuffles his feet as he walks. He's holding pretty flowers behind his back. "I'm Samwise Gamgee, and I'm a gardener. I hope she likes me – girls don't usually pay me any attention, on account of my self-esteem." He walks up to Rosie. "Hi, I'm Samwise, but you can call me Sam."

Rosie replies, "Well, I'm Rosie…but you can call me Rosie."

Sam laughs hysterically, as if it's the funniest thing anyone has ever said.

"Okey dokey then…" Rosie spots the flowers. "Are those for me?"

Sam forks them over. "Oh, uh, yeah, here you go," he says, still not quite looking at her.

Rosie to camera: Sam was a little better. He's cute, but he's shy. Maybe he'll open up a bit after some drinks.

Pippin and Merry are walking up together, arguing over who's sexier.

Pippin says to the camera, "I'm Peregrin Took, and I'm sexier than he is."

Merry says, "No he's not. I'm Meriadoc Brandybuck, and everyone knows I'M the sexy one and HE'S the drunk goofy one!"

Pippin hiccups. "I'm not drunk!"

Rosie looks a little taken aback. "Um, hi. Welcome to the date. I'm Rosie."

Merry shakes her hand, "I'm Merry and I can do anything better than he can."

Pippin shakes her other hand harder, "I'm Pippin, and I'm dead sexy."

Merry laughs, "Dead drunk, you mean."

Rosie to camera: I didn't know what to make of Merry and Pippin. I've seen them before, of course, in the bar, and I didn't think they looked too interesting. Maybe tonight will prove me wrong.

Merry to camera: Frodo is going to be cut first, I can just feel it. He has no personality now that he has that stupid ring.

Frodo to camera: It is not a stupid ring! It's my preciousssss…

Rosie is looking a little put out by now. "OK, well, first we'll go have a few drinks; get the ball rolling a little bit."

Pippin perks up. "Drinks? I'm so there!"

Sam mutters, "You're always there."

Sam to camera: Pippin is going to be a drunken idiot all night. If I was Rosie, I'd cut him. He has no chance.

They begin to walk toward the bar, and Sam has to literally drag Frodo along behind, because he's still oblivious to all else but the ring. They sit down and look at each other.

Rosie starts. "All right, well, this is where I work."

"Great!" Merry smiles. "Why don't you get us all a pint then?"

Pippin gets excited. "It comes in pints?"

"NO!" Rosie shouts. Pippin looks crestfallen. "I mean, yeah it comes in pints, but I'm not working here right now. We're on this date, remember?" Rolls her eyes.

Merry points to Frodo, "All except him, that is."

Frodo strokes the ring and murmurs, "My precioussss."

"Aw, that's so sweet! Thank you!" Rosie beams at him.

Frodo's head shoots up. "No! You ignorant fool! I was talking to the ring! It's mine, my own…my precioussss."

Sam springs up, with fists balled. "Don't you ever talk to her like that again! She's special!"

"Aw, thank you Sam!" Rosie turns her smile on Sam. He blushes and sits back down and looks down at his tankard.

_Rosie to camera: Frodo stepped a little out of line there, when he was talking to me, and Sam hopped up and took control of the situation. That's not what I'd have expected of him, and it was a nice surprise._

_Sam to camera: Frodo better watch his mouth if he makes it to the next round, that's all I've got to say._

_Merry to camera: I don't know why everyone's so uptight tonight. We're all just here to have a good time, right? (Grins)_

By now, most of the pints that were brought to the table are empty. Pippin steals Frodo's since he's not looking at it, and drinks it too.

Rosie looks around the table at all of them. "So what does everyone do?"

Sam, blushing, says into his beer, "I'm a gardener."

"I'm a drunken fool," says Pippin.

"I'm an obnoxious little guy who has to one-up everything Pip does," says Merry.

"Precioussss…" says Frodo.

Merry snorts. "Well, that's debatable."

Rosie rolls her eyes and turns to Sam. "So you're a gardener? What do you grow?"

"Flowers," replies Sam.

"What kind of flowers?" Rosie asks.

"Pretty ones."

"O…..K." 

Rosie to camera: Sam has got to come out of his shell. Otherwise, he'll never make it to the final cut. I need a guy with more personality than that.

She turns to Frodo. "What do you do?"

Frodo doesn't answer, as usual.

Pippin calls out, "Another round of drinks!" An alewench brings five more pints to the table. Again, Pippin takes Frodo's and drinks it too.

_Rosie to camera: Frodo doesn't have a lot of personality tonight either. Frankly, this date isn't looking good._

_Pippin to camera: I told you I'm the sexy one. These other guys haven't (hiccup!) got a chance!_

Rosie is looking at Frodo with interest. "Gee, he's the life of the party, isn't he?"

Merry shrugs. "Aw, it's that stupid ring his uncle left to him. It's like it's stolen his soul or something."

Frodo's glare is icy. "How dare you? This is my precious!"

Merry to camera: This guy has got serious issues.

Voiceover: Who will go on to the next round of Elimidate with Rosie? Who will she cut first?

Merry to camera: I think she needs to cut Pippin. He thinks he's better than me and that's getting on my nerves.

Sam to camera: I think she should get rid of Frodo. He doesn't respect her, you can tell. She doesn't need a guy like that.

Pippin to the camera: I think Merry should go. He's always trying to one-up me. But he ain't got game!

Voiceover: Find out who made it and who got cut after this.

Rosie looks around again. "For the love of Pete, WHO said that?!"

Merry looks around too. "Who's Pete?"

Commercial break and End of Chapter One. Stay tuned!!


	2. Chapter Two: A Shortcut to Mushrooms

Another VERY short Author's Note: See? I told you it was my first try. Sorry about the lack of italics. I tried. Be nice!

Elimidate: Middle Earth – Episode One

Chapter Two: Round Two – "A Shortcut to Mushrooms"

Rosie, trying to head off another confrontation, announces, "It's time to make my first cut. Only three of you can go along to the next round with me."

Sam stands up and starts to leave. "Wait!" says Rosie. "I haven't cut anybody yet!"

Sam blushes, "Well, I just assumed…"

"It's his self-esteem," says Merry.

"He doesn't have any," adds Pippin.

Sam blushes deeper and sits back down.

Rosie looks around the table. "Well, all of you are interesting guys and pretty fun…except for one of you. I just didn't feel a connection with…you, Frodo."

Frodo doesn't seem to have heard.

Rosie tries again. "You haven't looked at me all night except to yell at me, and I'm just not feeling you."

Still no response.

Rosie cups her hands around her mouth and shouts into his ear, "FRODO! LEAVE!! YOU'RE CUT!!"

Merry shrugs, "Let's leave him here and get on with our evening. He'll figure it out eventually."

"Leave?" Pippin looks sad. "But we just got here!"

Rosie rolls her eyes. "Oh come on, surely there's more to life than just beer!"

Pippin looks at Merry questioningly, and then they both brighten up. "FOOD!" They shout at the same time. They make a mad dash for the door, tripping all over each other in their haste. Sam murmurs, "Oh brother."

"Shall we?" Rosie asks, extending her arm to Sam.

Sam blushes. "Um, ok."

The camera cuts to the four hobbits walking down the road in the forest. "For round two, we're going to go for a nice walk and try to get to know each other better," Rosie says. She turns to Sam. "So Sam, have you lived here in the Shire all your life?"  
  


Sam looks at the ground. "Well, yes. Not very exciting, I'm afraid, but I like it here. I like good tilled earth and things that grow."

Pippin rolls his eyes. "Well, duh! You already said you were a gardener."

Sam blushes. "Oh yeah, sorry."

Pippin to camera: I can't believe this guy. He's so boring! She can't possibly pick him over me at the end!

Sam to camera: Pippin is very rude and drunk, and I don't think he'll last this next round.

Suddenly Merry has an idea. "Let's take a shortcut."

"To where?" Rosie asks. "We're just walking."

Merry shrugs. "I don't care…I just want to go through Farmer Maggot's garden!"

Pippin claps his hands. "Oh, good idea, Merry!"

"Of course it is, because I thought of it before you did!"

"Did not! I'M the smart one!…"

The two hobbits take off through the field, still arguing over who is smarter.

Pippin to camera: I hate to tell him this, but Merry is not the smart one. I'm way smarter than he is.

Merry to camera: Pippin is not smarter than me. And I'm taller too, see? (stands on tiptoes)

Sam shouts after them. "No! Wait! You don't need to be in Farmer Maggot's garden! It's not right!"

Rosie sighs and starts to follow. "Let it go, Sam, they have their minds made up."

Sam to camera: I think Rosie is getting tired of their childish little games. Rosie knows an idiot when she sees one…well…maybe that's not such a good thing…

Merry shouts back to them, "Don't worry! It's only a few cabbages!"

Pippin pauses and looks at what he's holding. "And some carrots…and that sack of potatoes we left him last week…and the mushrooms we left him the week before…"

Merry rolls his eyes. "Yes, Pippin, but my point is, he's clearly overreacting."

Merry to camera: Sam made this big deal about going through Farmer Maggot's garden. He's such a prude…he should lighten up and learn how to have fun.

Sam looks indignant. "No, I'm not! Besides, you're going the wrong way."

"Shut up! I'm the smart one, and you're the fat one! I know where we're going!" Merry sniffs.

Suddenly, the garden stops abruptly at the edge of a rocky cliff. Merry stops short, just in time. Pippin stops too, and Rosie. They all look rather relieved until Sam barrels into them, pushing them all over the side. They scream and tumble over the rocks, and land in a big heap beside a pile of horse poop.

Pippin sighs in relief. "That was close!" Merry dunks his face in it. "Hey!!"

Merry laughs. "Ha, ha. Now I'm the smart and sexy one, and you're the drunk and stinky one!"

Pippin to camera (covered in horse poo): Now that was uncalled for. Merry did that on purpose to sabotage my chances.

Merry to camera: I just did what any normal hobbit would do. (grins) She'll never pick him now. Hahaha!

Sam helps Rosie to her feet. "Are you all right?" He starts to brush off the back of her dress, then brushes off her butt.

"Watch it! Hey!" Merry glares at him.

Merry to camera: He was trying to make the moves on Rosie, but he doesn't have a chance, so I'm not worried.

Rosie to camera: OK, now Sam is getting a little bolder. That's more like it!

Sam blushes. "Sorry, Rosie. Trust a Brandybuck and a Took!"

"It was just a shortcut," Merry says defensively.

Rosie rolls her eyes. "For the second time, a shortcut to what?!"

"MUSHROOMS!" yells Pippin, spotting some about two feet away on the ground. All four hobbits rush over and begin picking the mushrooms.

Merry stands up. "This calls for a celebration! I have one more firework hidden in my pocket that I stole from Gandalf at Bilbo's party!"

Pippin brightens. "Light it! Light it! Yay!"

Rosie to camera: Merry brought a firework, I don't know what that says about him. 

Pippin to camera: Merry had to bring his own fireworks, because there won't be any going on with him and Rosie tonight!

Merry lights it, and hands it to Pippin. "Stick it in the ground."

"No, you stick it in the ground."

"No, YOU do it."

They argue and pass the firecracker back and forth, until suddenly it explodes and flies up into the air, leaving two smoky-looking hobbits on the ground. Suddenly, it splits apart in the sky, and a huge golden dragon begins to form. It turns back and begins to move toward the four hobbits at an alarming speed. They scream and start to run, forgetting that it's just a firework dragon. The dragon is gaining on them, so they all hit the ground and cover their heads. The dragon passes on into the sky again, where it explodes in a brilliant flash of color. 

"Ooh…Aah…" all the hobbits are awed.

Voiceover: Who will go on to the next round? Will Rosie cut Pippin? Sam? Merry? Find out when Elimidate returns.

Merry looks around. "OK, this time I heard it. What's going on?"

Rosie shrugs. "I don't know. It's just this weird voice that's been following us all evening."

Sam to camera: I think she'll get rid of Pippin. He's covered in horse poop! Literally!

Merry to camera: I think Sam will be the next to go. He's just no fun.

Pippin: I think she'll cut Merry. He's too full of himself. She gets that crap every day at the bar! Believe me, I know…I go there every day!

Commercial break and End of Chapter Two. Stay tuned!!


	3. Chapter Three: A Roll in the Hay

Elimidate: Middle Earth – Episode One

Chapter Three: Round Three – "A Roll in the Hay"

Rosie stands up somewhat shakily. "OK, it's time for me to make my second cut." Sam stands up to leave again. 

"NO, Sam. You're staying," says Rosie. 

Sam blushes. "Oh. OK, thanks."

Rosie looks around at the other three male hobbits. "I've been having fun with all of you guys today, but one of you has tried to kill us twice, and that kind of puts a damper on things. I'm sorry……Merry. You have to leave."

Pippin to camera: Ha! I knew it! She does think I'm the smarter one.

Rosie to camera: I just can't have a walking disaster for a boyfriend. Even if he is the smarter one.

Sam to camera: I think she made the right choice, he wasn't her type.

Merry stands up calmly. "OK. Have a good night, it was nice meeting you. Good luck to the other two." Merry walks off, whistling.

Merry to camera: So she didn't pick me. That's OK. I wasn't really that upset by it. She wasn't my type anyway. There were no fireworks…well, other than what I brought along in my pocket.

"OK," says Rosie. "For the final round of our date, I've rented a cart full of hay for us to ride around in and talk. This is Gandalf, the chauffeur." She motions to the driver.

"Hey, we know him!" says Pippin.

"Yeah, the wandering grey wizard," Sam agrees. "He's weird."

Gandalf frowns at him. "Nice to see you again too." He mumbles under his breath as the hobbits climb into the back of the wagon. "It's always the freakin' grey wizard who gets roped into these things. Not the white wizard…not even the brown wizard…always the GREY wizard."

Pippin nudges Sam, "Gee, he's in a good mood this evening."

Suddenly, Rosie notices that Pippin is pushing a huge keg into the back of the cart. "Um, what's that for?"

Pippin gives her a surprised look. "It's a keg of ale, what did you think it was? You see these every day at work."

Rosie rolls her eyes. "Yes, I know that, but why did you bring it? You already got drunk earlier tonight."

Pippin grins, "Yes, but this is the Gaffer's own home brew. You can always make room for the good stuff."

Sam throws his hands up. "Oh, for the love of…"

"Pete?" Pippin puts in.

"Yeah," says Sam. "Thanks." 

Pippin to camera: I'm surprised that Rosie can't have a better appreciation for fine ale. Methinks she's in the wrong career.

Rosie to camera: Pippin decides he wants to bring ale along for the ride. If he shares, it's a different story; but I think he just wants to get drunk.

Sam to camera: Pippin's definitely out now. Once he's gotten into that keg, he won't know she's alive for the rest of the ride. (grins widely) Hmmm…

Gandalf to camera: Can we just hurry this up?! I've got an appointment to go and scare the daylights out of Frodo about that ring he's been lugging around staring at! Jeeze!

Now the hayride is underway, and the conversation takes a romantic turn…or at least it tries to.

Rosie settles back into the hay between Sam and Pippin. "OK guys, if you could take me on the perfect date, where would we go?"

Pippin replies between tankards full, "Out to drink and then we'd sit outside and smoke the finest pipeweed in the Southfarthing…then we'd go get something to eat."

Rosie looks disappointed. "Gee, how romantic." She turns to Sam. "What about you, Sam? Where would you take me?"

Sam blushes and fiddles with the hay. "Um, I'd bring you flowers…and tell you you're beautiful…and we'd go walking through more flowers on a pretty evening…and I'd sing you a song about how you and the flowers are pretty…"

Pippin interrupts. "Good grief, Sam, where's the fun?"

Rosie looks indignant. "It sounded pretty good to me." Sam blushes deeper.

Pippin waves her off. "Oh please. I'll show you a song!" He stands up and starts to sing, drunkenly and rather off-key.

Rosie to camera: Pippin usually has a good singing voice…but not when he's drunk! It was awful.

Pippin to camera: I told you she'd like my singing! (grins)

Sam covers his ears. "Stop it! Pippin! Enough!"

Pippin keeps singing. At that moment, the cart passes under a very low stone bridge. 

Gandalf calls back, "Low bridge!" Everyone ducks…except Pippin. He's too drunk to hear, and the bridge smacks into him and knocks him out of the cart. 

"Pippin!" shrieks Rosie. "Are you all right?!" 

Pippin is struggling to his feet, still drunk, still singing. He cheerfully wanders off toward the nearest tavern. 

"Fool of a Took!" Gandalf shouts back at him.

Rosie frowns. "Well, it looks like Pippin elimidated himself."

Sam smiles. "Yeah."

Rosie to camera: Oh well. I was going to pick Sam anyway. I do like flowers, and he seems to be the sanest one of the bunch tonight.

Sam to camera: I knew he was gone the moment he started to sing. Some guys just don't have what it takes, I guess. (winks)

Rosie looks at Sam. "I had a lot of fun with you all tonight, but I do like you the best. You're so sweet and not at all like those jerks at the bar I have to deal with each night." She leans over like she's going to kiss him.

Sam panics and they bump heads. "Oops! Hehehe…"

Rosie grabs him and plants one on him, right there in the back of the cart.

Gandalf to camera: I'm getting out of here. Now. This is ridiculous. Lovestruck hobbits aren't a pretty sight after awhile…(The camera cuts to Gandalf loosing the horse and riding off into the night, muttering about being a high wizard and still having to do inane tasks like this one.)

Rosie and Sam to camera: Thank you, Elimidate!!

End of Story, R/R! :)


End file.
